How to Be Stoic When Someone is Being Rude or Mean Towards You?
Staying calm when someone is rude or mean toward us can feel like a daunting task, yet it is precisely in those tense moments that Stoic philosophy offers its most practical guidance.
The Consequences of Giving In to Anger
When we react with anger or rudeness in return, we are effectively letting the other person control our emotions. Epictetus warned us about this when he said, “Any person capable of angering you becomes your master.” In other words, by allowing someone’s insults or poor behavior to provoke an angry response, we give them power over our peace of mind. A better path is to maintain composure, protect our serenity, and respond thoughtfully rather than instinctively.
Stoics also remind us that anger often leads us to make mistakes or say things we later regret. Seneca wrote, “Anger, if not restrained, is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it.” Imagine that you have been insulted at work. It may feel momentarily satisfying to retaliate with a cutting remark. But once the heat of the moment passes, you may face regrets, strained relationships, or even consequences from coworkers or managers. Meanwhile, the original insult rarely seems as serious in retrospect. By giving in to anger, we inflict more harm on ourselves than on the person who offended us. Conversely, when we preserve our temper, we are free to act with clarity and keep our dignity intact.
Prepare Your Mind for Rude People
Marcus Aurelius advised us to reflect each morning that we will likely encounter all sorts of unpleasant behavior: “When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly.” This may sound pessimistic at first, but his goal was to prepare the mind. If you expect some degree of inconsiderate or rude behavior from time to time, you won’t be as surprised or upset when it happens. When you anticipate splashes and noise at the public bath, as Epictetus suggested, it’s easier to remain composed when someone actually does splash or behave rudely. You are ready for it and have already decided not to let it disturb you.
Their Rudeness Says More About Them Than You
This mental preparation is critical because it trains you to remain mindful of how fleeting insults and criticisms can be. The Stoics argue that most rude behavior is a reflection of the other person’s state of mind rather than a true gauge of your character. If you retaliate by being rude yourself, you have allowed them to define your behavior. In doing so, you risk becoming just like them—someone guided by anger instead of reason. “The best revenge is not to be like your enemy,” Marcus Aurelius wrote. That simple line teaches us that real strength and self-mastery lie in not stooping to the same level of rudeness or hostility.
The Price of Peace: Your Pride
Another perspective Epictetus offers is to see your calm response as “the price you have to pay for your peace.” Often, remaining quiet, polite, or simply walking away in the face of provocation can feel difficult. It may go against our pride or our impulses. But the reward is significant: you preserve your inner tranquility and self-respect. This self-control also benefits those around you. By not escalating a conflict, you prevent tension from growing and maintain a healthier atmosphere for everyone involved. In a heated argument, being the calm voice of reason can defuse anger far more effectively than matching insult with insult.
When a person’s unkind words ignite anger within you, pause and ask yourself: “What do I truly gain by lashing out?” The answer usually becomes clear—very little of real value. The brief satisfaction of letting your temper flare pales in comparison to the long-term benefits of self-restraint. Seneca advised taking a moment to breathe and reflect, so you do not act rashly. In these moments, focusing on your breath or recalling a Stoic quote can help break the immediate surge of emotion. For instance, you might think of Marcus Aurelius’s reminder that another’s wrongdoing is ultimately their problem, not yours, and that you lose nothing by refusing to let it shape your mood.
Negative Visualization
Negative visualization, another Stoic exercise, can also help. In your daily reflections, imagine possible challenges—a rude coworker, a spiteful stranger, or a friend’s harsh criticism—and plan how you will respond calmly. By rehearsing these situations mentally, you minimize the chance of being blindsided by anger in real life. This method is akin to practicing for a performance; the more you practice, the less likely you are to forget your lines when the pressure is on.
Stoicism Does Not Mean Passive Submission
Yet the Stoics are not advocating passive submission. They do not suggest you allow yourself to be mistreated indefinitely. Instead, they encourage you to choose a response rooted in reason rather than fury. You can assert your boundaries clearly and stand up for yourself without succumbing to anger or rudeness. This approach might involve a firm but calm statement of your perspective, or even removing yourself from a harmful situation. The difference is in the state of mind you bring to the table: you act from a place of measured judgment, not reactive emotion.
In the end, the real victory is keeping control of your own thoughts. When you maintain this mental clarity, others cannot force you to become angry, cruel, or flustered. Epictetus’s warning stands true: whoever can enrage you does indeed become your master. The Stoic path is to remain your own master by holding fast to patience, self-awareness, and moral responsibility. By preparing your mind each day for the inevitability of rude encounters, you ensure that you will not be thrown off balance when they occur. When you hold onto your temper and respond thoughtfully, you honor both yourself and the philosophy that teaches us to seek virtue over vengeance and peace over provocation.
